The Hirsute Henchmen

As you will recall from yesterday, we are monitoring, with increasing alarm, the activities of a race of pink-skinned aliens whom we believe to be bent on our destruction. They, however, are the least of the problem. It is the belief of the scientific community that without their overlords, they would be no more of a threat than dust-mice or the pubic hair in the sink.

The real threat comes from a second type, distinguished by their furry appearance*.

*While scientists debate whether this is fur as we know it or iron filings, such questions can only be answered when we are fortunate - or unfortunate - enough to examine one closely. Note: until we have more details, the exterior will be described as "furry".

There are two forms of these larger, darker creatures. One looks like a cross between a raccoon and a bear, with dark "fur" and large, rather morose, yellow eyes. Several of our field staff have witnessed it roughing up MoleRats and Tripods, and even stalking Bulge. These attempts have been rebuffed by the frantic efforts of the apparently lower-ranking MoleRats and Tripods. Such attacks have led us to label the attackers "Guidos".

Late-breaking news: One of these Guidos has been captured, affording our research team an invaluable opportunity for close study. To our surprise, this individual, which was caught while bitch-slapping a pair of Tripods, was quite docile when held - see illustration, below.

Unfortunately it escaped just after this picture was taken, but we were able to definitely determine that it is not covered in iron (or any other metal) filings. Lab results on the "hairs" left behind may give us valuable information about this bully from scientific-inquiry-wants to-know-where. Clearly its passivity was a ploy to lull its captor into inattention, thus enabling its escape.

Speculation is that it has rejoined its brethren or gone back to report to the creature we feel certain is directing all Guidos. This most monstrous being seems to be covered in similar "fur", but has none of the dull stupidity of the Guidos. On the contrary, the one which has been sighted by our field staff is uniformly described as eerily malevolent and menacing. All indications are that it is worshipped by Guidos, Tripods, MoleRats and the Bulge alike. That this adulation is based in fear and oppression cannot be questioned. We feel it our duty as persons of conscience to warn humanity and mobilize the necessary force to crush this threat to all we hold dear.

If the evidence thus far reported does not suffice, consider the single extant photo, and experience the dark aura of . . . Zygadenus!

There are threats unknown to the Bush administration

Our hidden cameras have documented the presence of mutant life forms bent on our subjugation. Wily and secretive, they are difficult to study, but we report our preliminary findings here in order that you may be alert to signs of their presence in your homes, too.

There appear to be two distinct types. One has pink skin and from zero to four appendages, which we have codenamed Bulge, MoleRat and Tripod. MoleRats, although blind, are the most mobile. They may communicate with their sighted cohorts for directions.



Tripods are sighted, but less mobile than MoleRats. They achieve locomotion by balancing on what appears to be a pointed abdomen and swing their "legs" forward or back. They are able to turn in limited fashion, but attempts to do more than about 30 degrees cause them to fall and thrash about violently until aided by allies.



MoleRats and Tripods seem to take direction from Bulge, who appears incapable of locomotion, but whose vision is hyperacute. Presumably the need for motion is obviated by the ministrations of the less senior members of the cohort, namely Tripods and MoleRats, although this has not been verified. There is some debate among researchers as to whether Bulge is equipped with night-vision goggles or is just a fashion victim.



These are the three skin-clad life forms under study at this time. Please report sightings and document their activity. Your cooperation is vital to understanding and neutralizing this threat to our way of life!

TOMORROW: The Hirsute Henchmen

What have they done to the rain?

I know it's supposed to be a good thing to eat organically-grown food but, honestly, sometimes the things our health-food store sells just scare me worse than eating pesticide-laden, over-processed goods from the local chain supermarket.

Case in point:




Fractals enchant me, but I'm not sure we're supposed to EAT them! They say we can eat this "broccoli romanesco" raw, but it looks dangerously pointy - like it could start drilling through our gizzards!

Tears for breakfast

At 7AM I had a thick quilt pulled up to my chin, a hot-water bottle in one hand, a heating pad on my chest and "Shadowlands" on the DVD player. This is the setup for donating platelets at the Red Cross Apheresis unit: the heat to keep everything flowing and the movie to keep from going starkers, because it takes me about 90 minutes to pump my pint.

Choosing the movie is a very big deal. There used to be one VCR for every two donors, so the first one there got to choose. That's how I once got stuck watching "Milk Money" - a disgusting bit of drivel. Now that there's a player for each donor, we only have ourselves to blame for poor choices. For me, a poor choice is a generally a thriller or a weeper. Emily will appreciate that "Singing in the Rain" works perfectly, but then so does "Twelve Monkeys" and "Antonia's Line", so figure that out. And "Shadowlands" is both a weeper and one of my favorites.

The donors I knew used to avoid weepers because we had to keep both arms still throughout the procedure (whole blood out one arm, everything except a pint of platelets back in the other arm). So, when tears leaked out, a nurse had to mop them up or we let them dry itchily on our cheeks. My donation site has changed over to mostly one-needle machines, so now I can wipe my own eyes, blow my nose, scratch my ear . . . oh, my gosh! I just realized, I can read a book!

Anyway, today it was "Shadowlands" for the sixth or seventh time. There was a group of writers called "The Inklings" that included C.S. Lewis, J.R.R. Tolkien and Charles Williams. I couldn't get through the Narnia books, found the four books of Tolkien's trilogy exciting, but am still awed by Williams' novels. Fortunately, "Shadowlands" isn't about the Narnia books; it's Lewis himself, nearly fossilized in academe, doubting just enough to risk his comfortable life and finding he was capable of great happiness and crushing pain.

Oh, yeah . . . I love this movie. And when it was over, I got juice and cookies and still had the whole day ahead of me!

Fish on bicycles???

We've had a warm, sunny, dry Fall. It finally got dark and wet, but the warm got left behind, and we found ourselves waltzing into November with 70-degree days and buckets of rain. We call that "the pineapple express" because it comes to us from Hawaii (I can almost smell the coconut tanning lotion).

I lay awake the night the wind picked up. Like a child with a toy flute, the wind played the cedar tree - long on vigor; short on finesse. It wasn't the fury of the wind that kept me awake, though; it was the temperature. Even with all the heat turned off, the thermometer wavered between 72 and 76 for the next three days! Talk about stewing in your own juice!

Our neighborhood is fine, but it's flooding, especially at the coast - roads collapsing and houses being washed away, too. I don't wish the people of Gleneden Beach ill, but if they had the wits God gave a goose, they wouldn't have built there in the first place. Why do people respond to places of great natural beauty by plunking down a house or a hotel? Do they think it's a game of Monopoly? Then they shouldn't whine when they draw a bad Chance card.

Here's a great little video that gives you an idea how off-kilter things are. Don't mind the ad; it's short. You'll have to copy & paste the link, because I couldn't embed this one. Sorry. http://www.katu.com/home/video/4593501.html?video=YHI&t=a

I'm rich! Rich!!!

We got a load of compost today and I think it's humming something deep and soft and warm - a siren song for the garden's best friends. Over the years, I've tried tilling in some of this and spading in some of that to loosen up our fertile-but-heavy soil, but it was when I quit thrashing the ground (and myself) that I discovered we have a full-time gardening crew who, for a few yards of compost and a good rain will work over each planting bed without disturbing a single plant, incorporating all that organic matter, loosening the soil and aerating it to a faretheewell. You call them worms; I call them my gardening staff.

Other things that make me feel RICH:

• a stack of clean clothes


• jars of peaches cooling from the canner
  


• change in my pocket (!!)


• having a new book I haven't started reading yet


• quail talking in the bushes


• being outside at night with Bill

Money in the bank? (Yawn) Sure, it's nice. I just can't get very interested, though. I guess it's that momentary feeling of absolute goodness, rather than the total of a column of figures, that makes me feel well-to-do. Would it be different if I were hungry or homeless? Yeah, some . . . but I'll bet I'd always stop to bathe in a perfect sunrise or love the feel of 87 cents in my hand.